Srsly.

My New Year's Resolution was to not take things so seriously, which is ironic because I probably consider myself the least mature out of all of my friends.

However, I'm not naive. I'm not some wide-eyed little girl who thinks her wildest dreams must and WILL come true. I know there is no knight in shining armor. I know there's no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I know life is full of disappointments and failures.

I think this lack of maturity has more to do with what I've been shielded from since I was a child. My mom didn't want me to play outside too late, she didn't want me hanging around "that kid who always has the runny nose and the kool-aid stains on his shirt," and more than anything, she just did not want me to get hurt.

But, have you ever played with fire? I don't mean that metaphorically, I mean literally. Sometimes I would find a book of matches in my house (my mom used to smoke before I was born) and light one. I would hold it between my fingers, and watch the flame slowly travel down the stick, and I sat with a bit of fear waiting for the right moment to blow it out before it burned me. Sometimes I would get bold and roll up a sheet of paper and light it, watching the flame increase more and more with that same fear of getting burned or dropping it into the wrong substance and setting our house ablaze. But, I would always put the fire out right on time.

My luck didn't last, though. Once, I lit some paper on fire and it dropped on my carpet in my bedroom. The fire got larger and larger and I couldn't put it out. I tried blowing it out, but it still increased. I tried stomping it with my shoe, but nothing happened. Finally, I ran back and forth with little Dixie cups full of water steadily decreasing the blaze with every pour. It took about 4 trips and all that was left was a slowly rising cloud of smoke and a large charred spot of blackness right next to my bed. I tried covering it for weeks, but my mom eventually found out. I got the punishment of a lifetime (no television for a month!!!).

I learned a lesson in playing with fire. Now, it does carry over metaphorically. I kept tempting the flames, but I would always stop the fire right before it burned me. This is how I've come to approach being my idea of an adult.

Another thing, my dad was coming up the stairs to my room. My dad never punished me, ever, and I wanted to keep it that way. I'd already faced my mom's wrath, so I didn't want to face a second helping. I begged my mom to stop him from coming up; I started to tear up...I think I even got on my knees. She relented, and stopped him from coming upstairs (I forgot how she did it).

Again, I weaseled myself out of a bad situation for myself, but because of that, I thought I was invincible. I thought I could approach situations that I knew may lead to awful consequences, but I would only tease, and tempt whatever it was until I saw these consequences becoming more and more eminent, and then I would blow out the flame. I thought I could live like this forever in several aspects of my life, and while I have yet to face these horrible consequences for my actions, I do need to stop playing with fire.

I never truly get anything out of it. There's a temporary high in being in a situation with potential danger knowing you probably won't have to face it. But, I go about looking for things I shouldn't be looking for, and I go about these things the wrong way.

What I really wanted during these idiotic "pyro sessions" was to be stimulated. I could have picked up a book, or watched a television show, or wrote in my journal instead of being a complete moron. Doesn't that sound ridiculous? So is my approach to securing happiness for myself. It's the wrong kind of happiness too.

So, I want to revise my New Year's Resolution. I need to GROW UP. I need to realize that I'm not in my room lighting matches; I'm playing with people's lives and my own life now. I'm an adult, so I have more freedom than I did when my mom had me safe and secure in my bedroom. I have more power now than I did when I was a little kid.

I've made hundreds, possibly thousands of mistakes from 2009 quite literally up until 3 hours ago that deal specifically with this "playing with fire" theme. There's no need to go into details about these mistakes (thousands!), but I hope you can relate somehow.

Don't worry. I didn't do anything that calls for involvement from law enforcement or a priest.


**Edit**

Oh yeah, I'm also seriously going to avoid wearing wigs. My hair is longer and healthier than its ever been in my entire life. The heck.