Kentucky Fried Horror Movies

There has been an over-abundance of horror movies coming out lately. I've only gone to see one, "Hostel," and boy, was I disgusted.

The advertising stressed Quentin Tarantino's production credits as if it would help the popularity of the movie. Little do they know that production credit doesn't mean writing or directing credit.

No, this movie was directed by Eli Roth whose work includes "Private Parts," the biopic starring Howard Stern, and Cabin Fever. Strangely enough, the plot for Cabin Fever nearly mirrors that of Hostel: a group of stupid sexually frustrated teens embark on some meaningless adventure and end up having their joy shatter to pieces when some guy gets killed or gets an infection on his skin and croaks.

As much as I would like to include Cabin Fever in the list of Kentucky Fried Horror movies, it's release date was in 2003, which was the year for the final installment of both the Matrix and Lord of the Rings trilogies. The extreme almost Star-Wars-like success of these movies practically shadows the production of the KFHM of that year.

Even so, I decided to do a little research on the KFHM of 2003 as well as 2004, 2005, and 2006. I am only mentioning movies of wide release and commercialism.

2003

Darkness Falls
Dreamcatcher
Gothika
Final Destination 2
House of 1000 Corpses
House of the Dead
Jeepers Creepers 2
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Underworld
Wrong Turn

Total: 10

2004

Alien vs Predator
Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blue Orchid
Blade Trinity
Club Dread
Dawn of the Dead
Exorcist: The Beginning
The Grudge
Resident Evil: Apocalypse
Saw
Seed of Chucky
The Secret Window
Van Helsing

Total: 12

2005

The Amityville Horror
The Brothers Grimm
Constantine
The Cave
Dark Water
Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist
Doom
The Devil's Rejects
The Exorcism of Emily Rose
The Fog
Hide & Seek
House of Wax
The Ring Two
Saw Two
Wolf Creek

Total: 15

2006

The Descent
Final Destination 3
The Grudge 2
Hostel
The Hills Have Eyes
I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
The Omen
Saw Three
See no Evil
Slither
Snakes on a Plane
Stay Alive
Underworld: Evolution
When a Stranger Calls
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Total: 15

Added 7/31/06: Also take into account that the 2006 year is not over yet. There is a movie that is ready for release called "Pulse" starring the very talented Christina Milian.



Please, now cut me a break for my statistics, for they aren't intricate. However, I'm giving a rough overview of a noticeable shift in the production of these horror movies as well as the value according to the minds of the critics and the audience.

That said, 2003 was the worst year for the KFHM. Pretty much every movie on that list received deplorable reviews. But the movies on the list were scattered through the year seemingly without the KFHM intent.

2004 was chuck full of remakes and sequels. To me, it's the formula for lazy writers with millions of dollars backing them. Some were quality including The Secret Window and Van Helsing (even though it was rife with skull-crushing special effects) while others were only luke-warm on the quality meter.

2005 and 2006 put many nails in the coffin of the horror movie genre. I've had several of my friends rush into theaters excited for at least five of these movies only to be disappointed with the poor writing and even more horrendous acting. People that you've either never heard of or have only had a glimpse at in some television special were popping up in this scary movie and then that one. My goodness, I wasn't even aware that there was a Grudge 2 or another "I Know What you did Last Summer" sequel.

I am no horror movie buff, but I certainly respect the genre enough to be silently weeping. If you were to find a good horror movie, you would have to go turn to Sundance or IFC to see the great work that went behind the original Ju-on: The Grudge movie. But only the cult horror movie fans know about these movies because they aren't widely released. Instead, the pop-American audience is stuck with trash being passed as horror movies under the gut-wrenching direction of Eli Roth who is being controlled by some big suit exec. They're stuck with watching some utterly useless hotel heiress in some movie slapped together just to grab some money under her name. However, I'm sure it was somewhat appeasing watching her experience some level of suffering.

Soon, the movie-going audience will open their eyes and the end of the KFHM will be near. But look out for other movie genres being run into the ground. I believe the romantic comedy is afoot of trashing. Keep your money in your pocket, and keep your eye for quality as clear as crystal.





Desea vivo la película independiente!

Late...Late Night with Conan O'Brien

This is a column I wrote for my school newspaper about my experience at the Conan in Chicago taping. Here it goes:

Was the wait as good as the pay-off? – Monica A.

For four straight days, it was a mob scene downtown outside the Chicago Theater. Thousands of Conan O’Brien fans tried their luck at scoring seats to see the taping of the Late Night show. I was among them.

Just like everyone else, I sent in an email to reserve tickets and I went to my nearest Pontiac dealerships to get a scratch and win card. I never got an email back and the scratch and win cards were losers. But they did encourage me to go to the Pontiac site and enter in a contest to win a car. Due to my lack of interest…and a license, I didn’t take them up on their offer.

No, I could care less about winning a car. Tuesday was quickly approaching, and I was pretty sure that I probably wouldn’t be seeing Conan O’Brien this week. But then, I received news that they were handing out free tickets downtown on State and Lake. I nearly tripped over myself trying to rush to the street corner. This nice man provided me with the tickets and a wristband. He pointed to the standby line. For that week, that line would be both the bane of my existence and my top priority.

Tuesday and Wednesday of that week, I stood in the line waiting. But sadly, I was turned away. On both days, the theater filled to capacity before 3:45. I decided that I should try for Friday. It was Conan’s last show, so I thought that perhaps it was the show to see.

Friday, 6 a.m, I was in the standby line. I was greeted by a couple of Conan fans, and I found my place in line with only twenty people in front of me. It was a great position. Now all I had to worry about was staying comfortable in the wet, 45-degree weather. My friend showed up and kept me company. Also, my mother was only a few blocks away at the Daley Center building. She helped me tremendously by bringing me food, coffee, and extra pairs of socks and shoes. Without her, I probably wouldn’t have made it.

Eleven a.m., the line started to move. We were also receiving tickets. The security people moved us across the street to a holding area near the theater. We received the great news that we were guaranteed to be let into the theater. The crowd cheered.

Now, we had to wait until 3:45. My friend and I played conversational games to pass the time. But then, our energy slowly faded away. Nothing seemed to be happening, until Conan O’Brien himself appeared out of nowhere!

He hopped on top of a truck and told us we were getting free pizza from Pizzeria Uno. His 6’4” frame could be seen even at the very back of the crowd, which grew to over three thousand people by 12 p.m. He ran through the crowd, and ended up right in front of me. He shook the hand of my friend and I was able to “cop a feel” of his leather brown jacket. Soon, Conan returned to the theater and the crowd was treated to the pizza.

Soon after the pizza was devoured, getting to 3:45 seemed to take forever. But after hours in the rain and cold of Chicago, the doors finally opened to the theater.

The crowd ran. My friend and I were almost trampled. Trying to pass up people that cut the line, we tried to rush to the theater doors to beat them. We were soon in the theater and we found seats in the 5th or 6^th row, center.

Brian McCann, a reoccurring cast member came out before the taping started to warm up the audience. He warned about using cameras, cellphones, and to discourage us from yelling out during Conan’s Monologue. He then impersonated one of the audience members from a night ago shouting out “SCHAUMBURG!”

Max Weinberg and the Max Weinberg Seven came out and began playing. Members of the audience, including myself started to dance. Everyone stood in amazement while Mark Pender the trumpet player held a note for over three minutes.

After the band finished their set, the crowd began to cheer rapturously as the announcer Joel Godard stepped out onto the stage. Equipped with headphones, a sheet of paper, and a microphone, Joel shouted the tagline.

“From Chicago, the city of big shoulders, it’s Late Night with Conan O’Brien!”

The opening graphics played on the television screen with beautiful shots of downtown Chicago.

The curtains opened to reveal the stage decked-out with a matte of the night sky dotted with stars and the Chicago skyline. A gigantic crescent moon sat in the middle of the stage. It slowly lifted to reveal Conan coming from the side stage. It looked like a scene from a concert, only there was no moshing.

Through the show, Conan stuck to his usual formula. He killed with his infamous “conologue” particularly flooring the audience with,

“I would like to stay in Chicago but my cholesterol is up to 450.”

Some of the highlights of the show included “The Wheel of Wendt,” which brought an appearance by beloved Chicago actor George Wendt. His stunts included giving Chewbacca a massage and chugging down a beer. The Chewbacca skit ended with a make-out session between the two that transformed initial bewilderment to hilarity.

Conan also decided to take a desk drive with his ex-sidekick Andy Richter. Together, they traveled through Wrigley Field (generating a mix of cheers and boos from White Sox fans), beat up Steven Bartman, and attended a “frat” party at the University of Chicago where the frat boys were “brawny” math majors chanting “calculus!”

The two guests for the night were Illinois Senator Barrack Obama and musical guest Wilco. Obama joked about the President’s habit of giving nicknames to the people he meets,

“I can’t tell if he’s trying to give me a nickname or if he just can’t pronounce my name,” Obama said.

Even with the gags with Wendt, Obama, and the Goose Island bit, you could tell that the audience was primarily there to see Conan. It’s hard to believe that he was once being sent hate letters for taking the place of David Letterman, but now his deep-rooted fan base justifies his placement. Conan handled his trip to Chicago with grace, turning clichés into hilarious satire and sticking to his original bits routing through the Chicago theme. It took a week of desperation and an eventual nine-hour wait in the cold rain. Some call me crazy, but that one-hour taping, for me, certainly justified the means.

I was able to grab some keepsakes including a detailed script from the show. Boy, am I a sneaky-boots.



I wonder if anyone uses the term "sneaky-boots."

Feeling: Awful

Sometimes your best friend can be your worst enemy.